May 2024 ISSUE no:10001
TODAY'S TOP STORIES:
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MYSTERY as pregnancy rates SOAR at newly formed CO-ED school
Much-loved shop to CLOSE, again
SPORT: Stamford celebrate LOSS with 'friendly tussle'
Stamford Uranus exclusive
CHURCH TO BE DEMOLISHED
Exclusive report by Hermot Basticle
Town council proposes demolition of Stamford's least-used church.
In a bid to alleviate Stamford's catastrophic occasional Friday lunchtime car parking crisis - a proposal has been put forward by a member of the public to replace one of Stamford's churches with a much needed multi-storey car park. A proposition welcomed by the council.
Stamford may be internationally famous for its architecture, but when it comes to priorities, the local council only has its local citizens in mind. Following a lengthy independent review of the car parking capacity and facilities of Stamford, it was discovered that during Friday lunchtime it was quite tricky to find a car parking space.
STAMFORD IS FULL!
A situation highlighted by local business leader Urgil Blook, local entrepreneur and CEO of GloboTarmac Inc - who only last year failed in his attempt to expand Stamford's car parking capacity after he predicted this crisis. 'When I offered to tarmac over the meadows, they said "NO!" now look what's happened. Stamford's full! It's a f**kin' disaster,' said Blook.
And this time the local council agree, but the option to tarmac over the meadows has been shelved due to flooding concerns, caused by Rutland's, '...inability to control their water,' said local councillor Sandy Soap, 'it runs into Stamford like a river!'
However, a solution to the car parking crisis was proposed by local unelected leader and land owner Nigel Frog, 'The only way we are going to get out of this crisis is by demolishing one of Stamford's churches. We have seven of them, for God's sake! The demolition will free up valuable land, which can be put to work for the people of Stamford, with the construction of a much needed multi-storey car park.'
BUT WHICH CHURCH?
'It's all very well the unelected leader coming up with these plans for Stamford,' said local councillor (and local butcher) Dicky Meat. Who has been looking rather forlorn of recent, and can occasionally be seen gazing vacantly into the Welland river. 'But how will we decide which church should go? Shouldn't we have a vote?'
'Councillor Meat's love of democracy is so quaint. The world's moved on from such antiquated ideas,' replied the unelected Frog. 'A Gladiators style competition, to be held during the Mid Lent Fair or 'The Troubles', as we locals call it,' proposed Frog.
VICAR VS VICAR!
'Not unlike the annual Rutland's Strongest Vicar competition. Combat will be the order of the day,' he continued, 'so if you want your church to be SAVED, get your vicar in training!' Local councillor Sandy Soap added that even though the Vicar-on-Vicar action will decide on the church, the full scheme has yet to receive approval from South Kesteven council. 'It is anticipated that some outside busy-body may step in and halt ambitions to solve Stamford's Friday lunchtime car parking crisis.'
ANGEL DUST DREAMER
A voice echoed by elected councillor Ms Angela Dust, 'Threatening one of Stamford's architectural gems in order to make more parking spaces is preposterous. Do we really want more cars clogging up Stamford's narrow and charmingly ancient streets?'
A finding echoed by a suppressed report conducted by Cambridge University of Transport, published in the now lost 'South Kesteven Transport 30 year Vision Plan 2016'. Astoundingly the report found that an increase in cars will almost definitely lead to an increase in traffic. 'In a time of great concern for the environment, shouldn't we be looking for long term solutions to Stamford's transport issues. Considering alternatives to cars?' said Dust.
ON YOUR BIKE!
'How about improving the bicycle infrastructure, actually, not improving, just start, do something to help cyclists feel safer and welcome. (…) We could link up other towns in the area; resurface old, closed railway lines - so walkers and cyclists could use them.'
'Wouldn't a safe cycle network that links the fabulous Rutland water cycle path up with Stamford, Oakham and Uppingham be a great way to get people out of their cars and improve people's health? Whilst at the same time being a draw for tourism.
'How about increasing the frequency and reliability of our train services,' Ms Dust continued, 'It costs over £13 for a return to Oakham from Stamford. £13 to Oakham! Seriously?! Why would anyone go by train at that price unless they had no other option? Trains and public transport in general should be part of a national infrastructure plan and should be cheaper than private transport, and definitely not left to market forces. Shouldn't we be prioritise these kinds of initiatives instead of pandering to the needs of cars and drivers? Fundamentally, we should be aiming for a long-term solution, and seeking to resolve the causes of this issue, not treating the symptoms.'
In a heated exchange Councillor Soap advised Councillor Dust to 'get back to North Korea.'
If you would like to know more about the historical context of this discussion, please visit our resident historian and much loved local 'influencer' Decimus Speer-Mint's 'Hear my Uranus!' page.
Sponsored editorial - GloboTarmac Inc.
Peterborough Festival of Tarmac
Much-loved celebration of 'All things Tarmac' returns for its 17th year. Promises to be a great day out for all the family.
TOWN bemused by 'Art'
Anonymous local artist and prankster Xavier Potato creates 'rubbish' sculpture, according to local man, 83.
